When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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