The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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