i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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