K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
