At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
