i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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