first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
