i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Randomize
