i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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