hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I feel like death gave me a hand job
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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