I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
