Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
