I smell stomach acid.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
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