Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
