She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
We left the knife in your bed.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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