Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
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I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
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did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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