For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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