I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
