I can text with my tongue
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
