Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
