Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
