Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
