If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
