What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
