I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
