You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
