Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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