Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
