genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
