some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
