you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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