dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
