The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
