I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
