i was rollin on her like bob the builder
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
