Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
