I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
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Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
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I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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