Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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