can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Randomize
