So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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