My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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