Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I love you. Go after that dick
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