Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
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You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
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You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
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