My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
