Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
My balls are so social today.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
