i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
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