I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
