someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
