At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
