My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
