I met the friendliest cop last night
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
