hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
