I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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