I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
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