So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
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I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
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I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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