she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
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