i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
