when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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