I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
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