when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
